What to Do When Your Child Says “I’m Dumb” or “I’m Stupid”?

“I’m dumb” or “I’m stupid.”

As a parent it's hard to hear your child say these. Your instinct may be to say, “That’s not true!” But those words may be hiding frustration, embarrassment, or fear.

Instead of immediately correcting them, connect with the feeling first. These seven strategies can help your child move from negative self-talk toward confidence and a healthier growth mindset.

How Should I Respond When My Child Says “I’m Dumb” or “I’m Stupid”?

Start by acknowledging the feeling behind your child’s words rather than immediately arguing with what they said. 

As Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain in The Whole-Brain Child (2011), connecting with a child’s emotional experience can help before moving toward problem-solving. Help your child name what is actually bothering them and separate one difficult experience from their overall self-worth.

1. Acknowledge The Feeling, Not The Words

When your child says that she is “stupid,” “dumb,” or “worthless,” it’s easy as a parent to feel that pain so strongly that you have a difficult time hearing your child objectively.

The frustration that she is feeling, coupled with evidence of low self-esteem, can be shocking and hurtful to parents. It’s important in these moments to remove yourself from the emotions that your child is expressing and listen to what she is really saying.

This isn’t easy, especially because what your child is saying or feeling can change in different contexts, but the expression of the negative self-talk remains the same. To get to the ROOT of the emotion then, you must evaluate the circumstance with empathy.

What would you be feeling in the situation your child is in? Could his view of himself be related to solving a math problem or connecting with peers?

If you can search out what your child is feeling, and name it, you can help him to identify WHAT is actually bothering him and begin to separate that problem from his own self-worth.

It’s difficult for any person to acknowledge a deeper emotion, especially when a more topical feeling - like “I’m dumb” - is easier to say. This is especially true for younger people who may not have the emotional intelligence and vocabulary to adequately express themselves.

By “naming it to tame it,” as Dr. Dan Siegel says, you are enhancing both your child’s emotional intelligence and vocabulary.

Ask your child WHAT is frustrating him. For example: “Hey, Luke, can you show me the difficult part in this math homework?”

You can also rephrase the question in a couple of different ways to help your child understand WHAT you’re asking. Here are some suggestions:

“Can you show me WHERE things start to get fuzzy for you on this math homework?”

“Your numbers look so great up until THIS point. Is that where things started becoming more challenging?”

When discussing frustrating situations like homework, a social situation, or a hobby, you can help your child to pinpoint where things feel difficult while recognizing where things are going well.

This helps to show that the ENTIRE situation isn’t frustrating, but rather just a part of it. More importantly, it can start a conversation about separating your work from your self-worth.

Can Humor Help Shift a Child’s Negative Self-Talk?

Yes. When appropriate, gentle humor can give children a break from an emotionally intense moment and help them look at the problem from another perspective.

The goal isn’t to make fun of your child’s feelings or dismiss the problem. Instead, use playfulness after acknowledging how they feel. A silly challenge, funny role-play, or short break may help your child reset before returning to the problem.

2. Use Humor To Help Your Child See Things Differently

Sometimes children need a break from the heaviness of taking things too seriously, and you can provide that break by being silly and asking them to join in.

Laughing helps to break up the frustration by physically altering your child’s state of mind. It can provide relief and calm in an otherwise too-intense moment.

Encourage your child to step away from her problem for a break. Have a funny joke contest or see who can think of the best made-up word and definition. Sparking creative thinking and inspiring humor helps your child to CALM DOWN, cheer up, and separate herself from the problem, even if only for a few moments. 

Some favorite ways to inject humor into situations are:

• Role-playing a situation, only using the funniest possible circumstance. For example, if your child is worried about going to a school party, you can pretend to be the host of the party, only you’re dressed up as a clown and clown “jokes” keep happening around you, but you don’t know!
• Encourage your child to think of a NEW way to solve the problem while doing a headstand.
• Get dressed up in funny and silly outfits and then come back to tackle the problem as a cowboy, doctor, or puppy.
• Think of how the situation could be different if everyone in it were secretly cows (aliens, robots, etc.) pretending to be people.
• Do fraction problems using candy pieces and eating the numerators!

There are many ways to switch things up and help your child to relax during stressful moments.

Remember, you’re not asking them to approach the problem any less intentionally, but you are showing them that difficult situations can still be fun. Plus, you’ll spark a conversation about the problems your child is facing and different ways to solve them. 

What Kind of Praise Helps When a Child Says “I’m Stupid”?

Use specific praise that focuses on effort, strategies, persistence, and actions rather than simply telling your child they are smart.

For example, instead of responding with “But you’re so smart,” you might say, “I noticed you kept trying even when that problem got difficult.” This shifts attention from a fixed judgment about ability to something your child can recognize and repeat.

3. Use Specific Praise To Show Your Child How Great She Is Doing

Praising a child’s efforts is one of the best ways to focus both you and your child’s attention on the problem-solving tools they are using to get through a situation.

Sharing with your child kind words about his diligence, attention to detail, or ingenuity, when done well, can be motivating and encouraging in tough times.

Instead, praise your child’s attitude toward a situation, like this:

“You didn't give up during the entire soccer game! You were so encouraging to your teammates and had a great spirit. It was so fun watching you play!”

This kind of specific praise can feel like simply “noticing” or “sportscasting” what your child is doing, and in a way that’s true.

By telling your child what you NOTICED about his efforts or attitude, you’re allowing him to see the positive side of the situation.

When you remind him how he never gave up, your child can internalize that message. He will also remember how much he wanted to give up when he missed a goal but will recognize the payoff of diligence.

When Should I Talk to My Child About Negative Self-Talk?

Have a deeper conversation about negative self-talk when your child is calm, rather than when they are frustrated or overwhelmed.

During a calm moment, ask what they mean when they say things like “I’m dumb” or “I can’t do anything right.” Help them notice the difference between experiencing a difficult moment and making a permanent judgment about themselves.

4. Discuss Negative Self-talk  

It’s best to discuss negative self-talk when your child is relaxed and comfortable, not when she’s frustrated or overwhelmed. By bringing up the subject calmly, you can create dialogue around the consequences of self-talk and the realities of her words affecting her brain and potential.

Bring up the fact that negative words have definite, physical effects on the brain. Mention that we can impact our results by changing the WAY we talk about ourselves.

Talk to your child about BOTH negative and positive self-talk, using the same words she used.

Explore times when your child has felt down and negative as well as times when she felt brave, strong, or resilient.

Remind your child that feelings are fleeting and so is frustration. If we hold onto those fleeting feelings though and dwell on them, we bring ourselves down and make life seem gloomy.

Realize that negative self-talk is often a symptom of fear, and share that realization with your child. Think together about WHAT your child might be afraid of when she says things like, “I’m dumb.”

Maybe she’s afraid she won’t be able to understand what she’s learning at school. This can escalate into a number of other fears quickly.  By addressing the fear of being unintelligent, you can help her find helpful strategies to manage her fears. 

How Does a Growth Mindset Help a Child Who Puts Themselves Down?

A growth mindset helps children see skills and abilities as things they can develop through learning, practice, strategies, and effort, rather than qualities they either have or don’t have.

If your child says, “I’m terrible at math,” for example, you can help them shift toward a more flexible statement: “This is difficult for me right now, but I can keep learning.”

Parents can reinforce this perspective by openly discussing their own mistakes, challenges, practice, and progress.

5. Talk About Having a Growth Mindset

Talking to your child about his negative self-talk can easily transition into a talk about growth mindset. For example, your child might be worried that he isn’t smart enough.

Together, you can explore how your child’s brain is growing every time he uses it. By doing difficult math problems, your child is TRAINING his brain to be able to do even harder problems in the future!

Working with the idea that their brains are ever-changing and ever-growing, children can be encouraged to “work out” their brains by tackling new projects and new problems in all areas of their lives. Watch this video by Khan Academy which explains how your brain grows when you struggle with problems. 

Children can more easily understand growth mindset when you remind them that just a few years ago, they were babies who couldn’t even sit up on their own. But through lots and lots of PRACTICE, they learned to sit up on their own, and then to crawl, and then to walk. 

After you talk to your child about having a growth mindset, it’s important to MODEL what growth mindset looks like and feels like. Do this by embracing your mistakes and talking about them openly. Share your own moments of pride, like your dedication to learning how to knit even though it was really difficult for you.

Modeling involves a mixture of talk and action. Share with your kids like you would with a friend. Confide in them about how you missed a basket when you were shooting hoops with your friends, or about that presentation that didn’t go so well.

Share what you LEARNED from those experiences, and how those experiences gave you “insider’s knowledge” into what NOT to do next time.

Practice growth mindset by being resilient and pressing forward in a long-term goal relentlessly. Let them see you make mistakes in reaching this goal while never losing sight of the end. Answer their questions about your next steps, and celebrate your successes with them.

In Episode 51 of the Big Life Kids Podcast, your children can figure out how to tackle NEGATIVE SELF-TALK, and meet the amazing rugby hero who dug deep and found his inner warrior.

Our popular Big Life Journal for Kids (ages 7-10) helps children develop strong Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) and growth mindset skills through inspiring stories, colorful illustrations, and engaging guided activities. It's the perfect companion to your child's growth mindset journey.

Why Should Families Talk About Their “Best Failures”?

Talking openly about mistakes helps children understand that failure is a normal part of learning, not evidence that something is wrong with them.

Try sharing a mistake you made and what it taught you. Then invite family members to share something that didn’t go as planned and what they might try differently next time.

The purpose isn’t to celebrate failure itself. It’s to show children that mistakes provide information and opportunities to learn.

6. Discuss Your “Best Failures”

Thomas Edison famously said that he didn’t fail over a thousand times when making a lightbulb, but he did find over a thousand ways not to make a lightbulb.

Just like Thomas Edison, everything that your child tries to do teaches him something. Many times with new experiences, your child is learning how NOT to interact with something or how NOT to solve a particular problem. This knowledge is just as important as the eventual knowledge of how to get it RIGHT!

A great way to put growth mindset into action and spark dinnertime conversations is to have a “best failures” sharing at the dinner table. Start by sharing one thing that you messed up that day. Focus instead on your ability to make big mistakes and learn from them.

everyone at the dinner table to share something they failed at that day. Maybe a test did not go as planned, or someone missed an important deadline at work. Empathize with each other openly and celebrate the combined LEARNING that your family is achieving every day, despite setbacks and failures.

Don't forget to download our FREE 5-Day Self Love Challenge for Kids (ages 5-11) to help your child become more self-loving and confident!

How Can I Create a Home Where My Child Feels Safe Making Mistakes?

Create an environment where your child knows that love and belonging don’t depend on perfect performance.

Show affection in ways your child is comfortable with, notice effort, talk openly about your own mistakes, and avoid treating everyday failures as catastrophes. When children know mistakes can be discussed without shame, they may feel safer asking for help and trying again.

7. Create An Affectionate, Welcoming Home

Creating a warm, welcoming home life for your children is KEY to helping them feel SAFE enough to fail openly. Strict parents who rigidly enforce rules and expectations often cause their children to feel immense pressure to perform perfectly, acing every test and hitting every target.  

Parents who openly fail, praise efforts and hug often inspire kids to try new things, accepting failure as part of the process.

Frequently hug, kiss, high-five, and otherwise physically interact with your children in ways that are comfortable for them. Having that physical closeness provides feelings of safety, love, and affection.

Physical affection helps to lay the foundation for a safe-feeling home that children know they can come to when they’re overwhelmed or in need of extra love.

Another way to create a warm house is with frequent affirmations and affectionate conversations. Remind your kids that you love them, appreciate their unique presence in the house, and like being around them.

Tell them the things that only they bring to your life, like the child who brings dance to your living room or the one who shares a thousand facts about polar bears every day.

When you give your children a strong, warm base to return to, they’re able to explore and experiment because they accept that they’ll be loved no matter the results of their efforts.

Try this fun activity Daily Affirmations Mirror with your child! 

YOU'LL NEED:

• A mirror with a thick frame
• Permanent markers
• Some good music

THE PROCESS:

• Put on some fun music.
• Start by thinking of 5 amazing things about your child. Ask them to think of five amazing things about themselves, too.
• Write down these amazing facts on the mirror’s frame with a permanent marker. For best results, use lots of fun colors. Have your child write their facts on the frame as well.
• Hang the mirror at eye-level either in your child’s room or somewhere that they can access the mirror daily by themselves.

Ask your child if she wants to stand in front of the mirror and say the five facts about her amazing personality, contributions to the world, and uniqueness. Make sure this is NOT forced and she actually enjoys doing this. 

Negative self-talk can have damaging consequences, like depression and low self-esteem. By tackling negative self-talk head-on, you can redirect the conversations to reflect on who your child truly is and help them to realize their potential. What a great gift to give to your child that will carry them into adulthood!

What Does Research Say About Negative Self-Talk in Children?

Research suggests that children’s self-talk can be related to both emotional well-being and performance.

In a study of 542 children ages 7–15, researchers Ronan and Kendall found that negative self-talk was consistently associated with greater emotional distress. Children experiencing both anxiety and depression showed the highest levels of negative self-talk.

Other research suggests that the type of positive self-talk matters. In a randomized field experiment involving 212 children in Grades 4–6, Thomaes and colleagues found that effort-focused self-talk benefited math performance among children who held negative beliefs about their competence. In the study, effort-focused self-talk was more helpful for these children than ability-focused self-talk.

These findings don’t mean that changing a few phrases will automatically eliminate negative self-talk. They do suggest that helping children recognize negative internal dialogue and develop more constructive, effort-focused ways of responding may be useful.

References

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.

Ronan, K. R., & Kendall, P. C. (1997). Self-talk in distressed youth: States-of-mind and content specificity. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 26(4), 330–337.

Thomaes, S., Tjaarda, I. C., Brummelman, E., & Sedikides, C. (2020). Effort self-talk benefits the mathematics performance of children with negative competence beliefs. Child Development, 91(6), 2211–2220.

Looking for additional resources to help address your child's negative self-talk? Our How to Transform Your Child’s Negative Self-Talk Into Self-Love is a one-of-a-kind, on-demand masterclass for parents. You'll learn why your child has negative self-talk and be given effective practices to help them turn it into self-love. This is the ONLY negative self-talk masterclass for parents approved by psychologists.

About the Author

Ashley Cullins is a writer, former teacher, and mom who has written for Big Life Journal about parenting, growth mindset, resilience, self-esteem, and helping children navigate challenges. Drawing on her experience as both a teacher and parent, she focuses on practical strategies families can use to help children build confidence and perseverance.