What is Confidence for Kids? 5 Easy Ways to Teach It
Every parent wants to see their child thrive and face challenges head on without losing their faith to themselves. But, what will you do if your child insists that they can’t do it? You’ve said every encouraging word, still they won't budge. They even think you’re being pushy. Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Many caring parents face the same dilemma.
In this article, we’ll dive into the practical ways rooted in Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) to help boost your child’s self-efficacy.
Key Takeaways
- Confidence (self-efficacy) is a child’s belief that they can take on challenges, learn from mistakes, and persist, and it strongly predicts later well-being.
- Build self-efficacy through kid-friendly explanations, adult modeling, examples in books and movies, specific recognition of effort, and reflection on how confidence feels.
- For teens, emphasize unconditional love, open conversations about failure, celebrating growth, skill-building, and modeling a growth mindset.
- Allow safe discomfort to strengthen coping and cognitive appraisal, and use tools like a Confidence Ladder to break big goals into micro-wins.
What Is Confidence for a Child?
In psychology, confidence, often referred to as self-efficacy, is the belief that you can handle challenges, learn from mistakes, and keep going even when you feel nervous (Bandura, 1977). It means viewing mistakes as learning opportunities, saying “I can” instead of “I can’t,” and believing you can face life’s challenges and succeed.
What Confidence Is Not
When defining confidence, it is also helpful to speak about what confidence is not. Confidence is not:
- Being arrogant or thinking you are better than others.
- Getting it right every time; being perfect.
- Burying your emotions; pretending you are never nervous or scared.
- A constant—everyone has moments they don’t feel confident and that’s okay!
Why is self-efficacy important for kids?
It’s important to nurture your child’s self-efficacy, because studies show that the child’s confidence and self-esteem are strong indicators of their success, health and happiness in adulthood (Sowislo & Orth, 2013; Trzesniewski et al., 2006).
In a recent study, two main factors attributed to the development of the child’s self-efficacy and self-esteem, these are parental warmth and good parental monitoring (Krauss et al., 2020). It shows that parents can positively influence their children’s well-being.
How to know if your child is confident?
Before we explore strategies to build your child's confidence, let's start with a quick quiz to see where they are right now.
To take our Self-Confidence Quiz, click on “Take Quiz” and answer the 20 questions with yes or no.
See where your child falls by comparing their results to the group their number falls under.
|
Quiz Score |
Confidence Level |
Key Developmental Traits |
|
16-20 |
Blooming Self-Esteem |
These children have strong confidence born from feelings of safety and security. They are adventurous and like to try new things. Not only do they provide themselves with positive self-talk, but they also cheer on others. |
|
11-15 |
Growing Self-Esteem |
These children have mostly learned to accept failure graciously. They are more willing to try new things but may need a little adult nudge to keep going. Nevertheless, these children have a good foundation and will continue to grow confident with experience. |
|
6-10 |
Budding Self-Esteem |
These children are starting to show self-efficacy and are beginning to come into their own. They may be starting to talk about their likes and dislikes with enthusiasm. These children may need some adult encouragement, but they are becoming more confident after failures. |
|
1-5 |
The Seed is Planted |
These children may be shy and quiet. They take a little more time to try new things, but they will continue to step outside their comfort zone with encouragement. These children are learning coping skills to calm anxiety and are building a solid confidence foundation. Think of a whole tiny seed planted; these children are about to grow in self-efficacy with a bit of time, patience, and modeling. |
How to Help Children Understand Confidence
There are many strategies you can use to build a child’s confidence. But how can you help a child consciously understand what confidence looks and feels like? Try the helpful tips below!
1. Explain confidence in child-friendly language
Start by explaining confidence using child-friendly language. For instance, say, “Confidence is when you believe you can do something, even if it’s difficult.” Or, “Being confident means you’re brave enough to try new things and to keep going after you make a mistake.”
It is also helpful to give examples, especially from the child’s own life. Think of a time the child was confident enough to try a challenging task, learn from a mistake, or face a fear (for example, speaking in front of the class or joining a new soccer team).
2. Model confidence
The best way for a child to understand and emulate confidence is to spend time with confident adults. If your confidence needs a boost, focus on building your own confidence first. It’s not a process that will happen overnight but start by avoiding self-critical comments in front of your children or students.
Practice positive self-talk, surround yourself with positive people, and stop comparing yourself to others. Treat yourself with kindness and take care of your physical and mental health. Face your fears and try new hobbies and reflect on your achievements, strengths, and talents.
When you can do this confidence-building work for yourself, you’ll find it much easier to help children do the same. You will naturally teach confidence through both modeling and direct interactions with the children in your life.
3. Identify examples of confidence in books and movies
Book and movie examples are another way to help children learn an abstract concept. Check out our list of growth mindset movies for many films that demonstrate confidence. These films are all about pursuing your dreams, overcoming obstacles, and never giving up.
A few books to teach confidence include:
- The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper
- I Am Enough by Grace Byers
- I Like Myself! by Karen Beaumont
- A Bad Case of Stripes by David Shannon
- Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon by Patty Lovell
- Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae
When you watch or read with children, ask them what lessons they learned about confidence. Have them write down and/or illustrate favorite quotes or moments, then hang them in your home or classroom. Refer to their favorite confidence movies or books when a reminder about confidence is needed!
4. Recognize and celebrate confidence
When children demonstrate confidence, make sure to recognize and celebrate it! Demonstrating confidence can include trying something new, showing effort and persistence, and having a positive attitude about making mistakes.
These celebrations can be as simple as, “High five! You stuck with it! That took a lot of confidence,” or, “You were confident enough to try something brand new, good job!” Use variations of self-confidence affirmations too, like, “Look at you! You can do hard things!”
5. Talk about how it feels to practice confidence
Finally, help children recognize the value of confidence by discussing how it feels to practice it. What are the results of approaching life challenges and situations with confidence?
When children show bravery, persistence, and the ability to overcome mistakes, ask them how the experience felt. Were they proud? Happy? Excited? Even more confident than before? Explain how the more we practice confidence, the more confident we become.
How to Help Teens Build Confidence
Even children who understand and practice confidence may begin to struggle in their teens. The teen years are filled with challenges, change, and comparison. We have a full article on how to help teens build confidence, but here is an overview of some of our top tips:
- Make it clear to your teen that they are loved unconditionally. Your love is not dependent on their grades, talent, or behavior.
- Have open conversations about failure and mistakes. Don’t shield your teen from failure or panic when mistakes are made.
- Celebrate growth, perseverance, hard work, and effort. Focus not only on positive outcomes but also on the process of reaching them.
- Help teens gain new and missing skills and discover their passions and talents.
- Teach teens about assertiveness and boundaries. Remind them they are not a bad person for moving on from toxic friendships or relationships or for refusing to tolerate hurtful behavior from others.
- Create a safe space for your teen to speak about difficult situations. Listen and offer compassion. Engage teens in the process of solving their problems rather than simply telling them the answer.
- Embrace a growth mindset in your home and model the confidence you would want your teen to have!
The Big Life Parenting Tip
The secret to raising resilient and confident kids is to allow them to experience (safe) discomfort. Because the more you protect your child from failures, the more you destroy their belief that they can independently overcome challenges. Parents who “snowplow” –clearing every difficulty out of a kid’s path– prevents the development of “Cognitive Appraisal” (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). The ability to assess a distressing situation and realize, “I have survived this before, I can survive it again.”
To help your child turn hesitation into mastery, you can download our FREE Confidence Ladder Worksheet below. Start mapping out their "micro-wins" and turn daunting obstacles into a series of achievable, brave steps.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Is confidence genetic?
Confidence is a skill that a child can develop, not a personality trait. Like muscles, you can train and develop it through consistent effort and mindset shifts.
Should I always praise my child for being smart?
No. A recent study by Carol Dweck suggests praising your child’s intelligence can adversely lower their self-efficacy because they’ll be afraid to lose that label. What you can do instead is praise their effort. For instance, you can tell your child, “ I love that you are doing your best for your Math test.”
How can I support my shy child in building confidence?
Focus on your child’s little wins. Instead of pushing them into situations they’re not ready for—like performing on stage—find small steps that feel safe but stretch their comfort zone just a bit. For example, you could encourage them to greet a classmate.
How to build confidence in a highly sensitive child?
Begin by letting your child know that their feelings are real and important. Create a safe, supportive space where they feel comfortable just being themselves. Remind them often that it’s okay to move at their own pace as they try new things.
To help your child develop their self-efficacy, join over 1 million parents for weekly science-backed tips and exclusive resources.
References:
Bandura, A. (1977). Self-Efficacy: Toward a Unifying Theory of Behavioral Change. Psychological Review, 84, 191. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.84.2.191
Krauss, S., Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2020). Family environment and self-esteem development: A longitudinal study from age 10 to 16. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(2), 457–478. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000263
Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Springer Publishing Company
Sweeney S, & MacBeth A (2016). The effects of paternal depression on child and adolescent outcomes: A systematic review. Journal of Affective Disorders, 205, 44–59.
Trzesniewski KH, Donnellan MB, Moffitt TE, Robins RW, Poulton R, & Caspi A (2006). Low self-esteem during adolescence predicts poor health, criminal behavior, and limited economic prospects during adulthood. Developmental Psychology, 42, 381–390
About the Author
Alexandra Eidens is the founder of Big Life Journal. Featured in The New York Times and on The Today Show, Alexandra is dedicated to turning proven research into simple steps families can use to nurture confidence, emotional intelligence, and a growth mindset.